Saturday, August 11th 2012
Somewhere deep within his lair at White Hart Lane, Daniel Levy sits in his plush leather chair stroking a lilywhite cat.
He hears a knock on the door, and spins round. He composes himself, fixes a stern stare upon his face and calls "Come in"
André Villas-Boas walks in, checks himself in a mirror hung above the fireplace in Levy's grand office, and happy with what he sees, blows himself a kiss and crosses the room to greet Daniel.
AVB - "Good morning Daniel"
DL - "Good morning André, you're looking well"
AVB - "I know. Daniel, I need to talk to you about transfers. The window closes soon"
DL - "True. I need to get my team entered. I must win the Sun's DreamTeam league this year, I can't let Peter Hill-Wood win again this year, it's getting embarrassing..."
AVB - "Daniel, I'm not talking fantasy football here. When I took this job you promised me money for transfers"
DL - "I've bought you Vertonghen and the chap from Iceland, what more do you want?"
AVB - "You were buying them before I arrived. I need to bring new players in. We need new strikers"
DL - "Why? What's wrong with what we've got?"
AVB - "What's wrong!?! We've only got Defoe"
DL - "And?"
AVB - "What do you mean, 'And?' ? I need more than one striker"
DL - "What for? You told me that your formation uses only one striker. You have Defoe. Job done"
AVB - "Defoe can't play as the lone striker, and from what I've seen in training, doesn't understand the offside rule. He's injured anyway"
DL - "Injured? What's wrong with him?"
AVB - "He needs to see the physio, he seems to have something wrong with his neck"
DL - "His neck? What do you mean?"
AVB - "He seems incapable of getting his head up and passing the ball"
DL - "Threaten to replace him with David Bentley"
AVB - "Daniel, I don't understand"
DL - "Juande had the same issue with Lennon a few years ago. He brought David in and Lennon stopped just running aimlessly down the wing"
AVB - "Like Theo Walcott does"
DL - "Exactly"
AVB - "Daniel, back to matters at hand, we need to bring strikers in, and quickly. We play Newcastle in a week's time. Did you not see the performance against Valencia?"
DL - "You know I didn't. You made me stay here and do your shopping"
AVB - "Shopping? Do you mean the list of transfer targets I gave you weeks ago?"
DL - "Yeah, probably"
AVB - "So, how did it go? Have we made any progress in negotiations on any of them? I'm weeks behind in my preparation for the new season"
DL - "Remind me who was on your list again"
AVB - "Right, Damiao. Any joy there?"
DL - "No. Too dear"
AVB - "But I thought you had some special relationship with his club?"
DL - "So did I. Let's move on"
AVB - "Ok. Llorente. I've heard he's angling for a move from Bilbao"
DL - "Not for that money. Too dear"
AVB - "Falcao?"
DL - "You can't catch me out like that André"
AVB - "Sorry? "
DL - "I can use Wikipedia too you know, nice picture of you on there by the way"
AVB - "Thanks, I know. What about Falcao"
DL - "He retired years ago and you know it. Did pretty well while he was here though. I knew you'd put a joke one in the list to test me André. You're so much funnier than Harry was"
AVB - "Daniel. You're talking about Mark Falco aren't you?"
DL - "Why, yes. Aren't you?"
AVB - "No. Radamel Falcao. Plays for Atlético Madrid. I managed him at Porto. So you haven't even enquired about him have you?"
DL - "No, but I think he'll be.."
AVB - "Too dear? Thought so. Adebayor is coming back though isn't he?"
DL - "No. He got greedy. Something about charity money or something. I switched off to be honest"
AVB - "You lost him because you weren't concentrating?"
DL - "Don't lecture me about not concentrating. You had me trying to buy someone we already own"
AVB - "Eh? What are you talking about?"
DL - "You had Carroll on your list, and I've checked it out on our website and he's already ours. Thomas Carroll. Decent little player as well, according to Tim Sherwood"
AVB - "He's not a striker! I meant Andy Carroll!!"
DL - "Really? I did wonder, but checked his stats on the Liverpool site and figured he wasn't a striker either"
AVB - "So you haven't made any progress with any of the signings I asked you to try for?"
DL - "Not as such. Although Younes tells me that Lloris is interested in signing"
AVB - "That's something I suppose. Those keepers are beginning to worry me"
DL - "In what way?"
AVB - "Friedel is starting to show his age. He was complaining about the cold an asking for a blanket yesterday. Cudicini just seems so uncertain and indecisive. I offered him a coffee the other day, but it had gone cold before he could commit to whether or not to have sugar"
DL - "What about Gomes?"
AVB - "He just unnerves me. Every time I look at him he just waves his arms around and grins manically at me"
DL - "Maybe he fancies you! Ha!"
AVB - "It's only natural, they all do, but he makes me feel uncomfortable. Can we get rid of him"
DL - "I'm trying. You can tell we're in recession. I've even offered a BOGOF offer on Gomes and Dos Santos, but no takers"
AVB - "So, back to strikers Daniel?"
DL - "Yes. I've been thinking about that. We don't need any. I was at Southend last night and saw those three strikers. You don't need anyone else, not with those lads"
AVB - "Are you taking about the boys from the development squad? They're not ready for top flight football"
DL - "Of course they are. I saw Kane's hat-trick, and Coulibaly's strike. Obika took his header well, too" The hunt is over"
AVB - "B-b-but you must be joking. This is not what we agreed when we discussed transfers. You said there would be money to spend"
DL - "Got anything in writing?"
AVB - "No, but we had an agreement!"
DL - "A "gentleman's agreement"?"
AVB - "Yes"
DL - "But nothing in writing, no?"
AVB - *sighs* "No, not exactly. Luka warned me about you. Where is Luka anyway? I haven't seen him since we got back from the US"
DL - "Don't worry about him. He's safe. For now. He's going nowhere unless I get £40m for him. Real will pay it. They'll throw in Sahin too. And Kaka. And Huntelaar"
AVB - "Daniel, Huntelaar isn't Real's player. That's not going to happen"
DL - "It will. Trust me. What Daniel wants, Daniel gets"
AVB - "Okay.... I need to get to training now. Apparently the defenders aren't comfortable with my high line.. Are you following up the names I have you, or are you seriously telling me I have to go into the new season with Defoe, Kane, Coulibaly and Obika?"
DL - "Ha ha, no. Of course not. I'm selling Defoe"
AVB - "What?!? Who to?"
DL - "Sunderland, QPR and Aston Villa"
AVB - "Which one, how much for"
DL - "All three, although I expect late interest from Everton. £8m each"
AVB - "Daniel, you can't sell a player to four clubs"
DL - "WHAT DANIEL WANTS, DANIEL GETS!!!"
AVB - "Ok, ok, calm down. I guess that'll be fine. I really had better be going now"
AVB edges backwards towards the door.
DL calls him back - "André - what about Daniel Sturridge?"
AVB - "What about him?"
DL - "We're signing him apparently"
AVB - "What do you mean? Don't you know?"
DL - "I've not spoken to Chelsea, but it seems we are signing him"
AVB - "How so?"
DL - "I've just logged onto twitter, and and @Agent_ITK says we're signing him, so it must be true"
André turns and flees the office, as Daniel swivels back round to look out of his window.
It has "will have going to have happened" happened, but is hasn't actually "happened" happened yet, actually
Night all
Chunky
