AVB's plea and DL's deaf ears

Saturday, August 11th 2012

Somewhere deep within his lair at White Hart Lane, Daniel Levy sits in his plush leather chair stroking a lilywhite cat.
He hears a knock on the door, and spins round. He composes himself, fixes a stern stare upon his face and calls "Come in"
André Villas-Boas walks in, checks himself in a mirror hung above the fireplace in Levy's grand office, and happy with what he sees, blows himself a kiss and crosses the room to greet Daniel.
AVB - "Good morning Daniel"
DL - "Good morning André, you're looking well"
AVB - "I know. Daniel, I need to talk to you about transfers. The window closes soon"
DL - "True. I need to get my team entered. I must win the Sun's DreamTeam league this year, I can't let Peter Hill-Wood win again this year, it's getting embarrassing..."
AVB - "Daniel, I'm not talking fantasy football here. When I took this job you promised me money for transfers"
DL - "I've bought you Vertonghen and the chap from Iceland, what more do you want?"
AVB - "You were buying them before I arrived. I need to bring new players in. We need new strikers"
DL - "Why? What's wrong with what we've got?"
AVB - "What's wrong!?! We've only got Defoe"
DL - "And?"
AVB - "What do you mean, 'And?' ? I need more than one striker"
DL - "What for? You told me that your formation uses only one striker. You have Defoe. Job done"
AVB - "Defoe can't play as the lone striker, and from what I've seen in training, doesn't understand the offside rule. He's injured anyway"
DL - "Injured? What's wrong with him?"
AVB - "He needs to see the physio, he seems to have something wrong with his neck"
DL - "His neck? What do you mean?"
AVB - "He seems incapable of getting his head up and passing the ball"
DL - "Threaten to replace him with David Bentley"
AVB - "Daniel, I don't understand"
DL - "Juande had the same issue with Lennon a few years ago. He brought David in and Lennon stopped just running aimlessly down the wing"
AVB - "Like Theo Walcott does"
DL - "Exactly"
AVB - "Daniel, back to matters at hand, we need to bring strikers in, and quickly. We play Newcastle in a week's time. Did you not see the performance against Valencia?"
DL - "You know I didn't. You made me stay here and do your shopping"
AVB - "Shopping? Do you mean the list of transfer targets I gave you weeks ago?"
DL - "Yeah, probably"
AVB - "So, how did it go? Have we made any progress in negotiations on any of them? I'm weeks behind in my preparation for the new season"
DL - "Remind me who was on your list again"
AVB - "Right, Damiao. Any joy there?"
DL - "No. Too dear"
AVB - "But I thought you had some special relationship with his club?"
DL - "So did I. Let's move on"
AVB - "Ok. Llorente. I've heard he's angling for a move from Bilbao"
DL - "Not for that money. Too dear"
AVB - "Falcao?"
DL - "You can't catch me out like that André"
AVB - "Sorry? "
DL - "I can use Wikipedia too you know, nice picture of you on there by the way"
AVB - "Thanks, I know. What about Falcao"
DL - "He retired years ago and you know it. Did pretty well while he was here though. I knew you'd put a joke one in the list to test me André. You're so much funnier than Harry was"
AVB - "Daniel. You're talking about Mark Falco aren't you?"
DL - "Why, yes. Aren't you?"
AVB - "No. Radamel Falcao. Plays for Atlético Madrid. I managed him at Porto. So you haven't even enquired about him have you?"
DL - "No, but I think he'll be.."
AVB - "Too dear? Thought so. Adebayor is coming back though isn't he?"
DL - "No. He got greedy. Something about charity money or something. I switched off to be honest"
AVB - "You lost him because you weren't concentrating?"
DL - "Don't lecture me about not concentrating. You had me trying to buy someone we already own"
AVB - "Eh? What are you talking about?"
DL - "You had Carroll on your list, and I've checked it out on our website and he's already ours. Thomas Carroll. Decent little player as well, according to Tim Sherwood"
AVB - "He's not a striker! I meant Andy Carroll!!"
DL - "Really? I did wonder, but checked his stats on the Liverpool site and figured he wasn't a striker either"
AVB - "So you haven't made any progress with any of the signings I asked you to try for?"
DL - "Not as such. Although Younes tells me that Lloris is interested in signing"
AVB - "That's something I suppose. Those keepers are beginning to worry me"
DL - "In what way?"
AVB - "Friedel is starting to show his age. He was complaining about the cold an asking for a blanket yesterday. Cudicini just seems so uncertain and indecisive. I offered him a coffee the other day, but it had gone cold before he could commit to whether or not to have sugar"
DL - "What about Gomes?"
AVB - "He just unnerves me. Every time I look at him he just waves his arms around and grins manically at me"
DL - "Maybe he fancies you! Ha!"
AVB - "It's only natural, they all do, but he makes me feel uncomfortable. Can we get rid of him"
DL - "I'm trying. You can tell we're in recession. I've even offered a BOGOF offer on Gomes and Dos Santos, but no takers"
AVB - "So, back to strikers Daniel?"
DL - "Yes. I've been thinking about that. We don't need any. I was at Southend last night and saw those three strikers. You don't need anyone else, not with those lads"
AVB - "Are you taking about the boys from the development squad? They're not ready for top flight football"
DL - "Of course they are. I saw Kane's hat-trick, and Coulibaly's strike. Obika took his header well, too" The hunt is over"
AVB - "B-b-but you must be joking. This is not what we agreed when we discussed transfers. You said there would be money to spend"
DL - "Got anything in writing?"
AVB - "No, but we had an agreement!"
DL - "A "gentleman's agreement"?"
AVB - "Yes"
DL - "But nothing in writing, no?"
AVB - *sighs* "No, not exactly. Luka warned me about you. Where is Luka anyway? I haven't seen him since we got back from the US"
DL - "Don't worry about him. He's safe. For now. He's going nowhere unless I get £40m for him. Real will pay it. They'll throw in Sahin too. And Kaka. And Huntelaar"
AVB - "Daniel, Huntelaar isn't Real's player. That's not going to happen"
DL - "It will. Trust me. What Daniel wants, Daniel gets"
AVB - "Okay.... I need to get to training now. Apparently the defenders aren't comfortable with my high line.. Are you following up the names I have you, or are you seriously telling me I have to go into the new season with Defoe, Kane, Coulibaly and Obika?"
DL - "Ha ha, no. Of course not. I'm selling Defoe"
AVB - "What?!? Who to?"
DL - "Sunderland, QPR and Aston Villa"
AVB - "Which one, how much for"
DL - "All three, although I expect late interest from Everton. £8m each"
AVB - "Daniel, you can't sell a player to four clubs"
DL - "WHAT DANIEL WANTS, DANIEL GETS!!!"
AVB - "Ok, ok, calm down. I guess that'll be fine. I really had better be going now"

AVB edges backwards towards the door.

DL calls him back - "André - what about Daniel Sturridge?"

AVB - "What about him?"
DL - "We're signing him apparently"
AVB - "What do you mean? Don't you know?"
DL - "I've not spoken to Chelsea, but it seems we are signing him"
AVB - "How so?"
DL - "I've just logged onto twitter, and and @Agent_ITK says we're signing him, so it must be true"

André turns and flees the office, as Daniel swivels back round to look out of his window.


It has "will have going to have happened" happened, but is hasn't actually "happened" happened yet, actually

Night all

Chunky

3 is a magic number

We’re third in the league and want to stay there (or move higher – League/Cup double anyone?)

We’ve got three tough games coming up running us into March. We have to keep focussed and make sure we still have a decent lead over the chasing pack before we meet Everton at Goodison on March 10th.

I try not to worry about what other teams are up to, and concentrate on what Spurs are doing, but it’ll be difficult not to be checking on what Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool and Newcastle are up to just as keenly as I’ll be watching Spurs matches.

So, to keep my own obsessive side happy, let’s take a look at who the top seven are playing over the next three weeks.

Man City

Villa (a)

Blackburn (h)

Bolton (h)

Man Utd

Liverpool (h)

Norwich (a)

Tottenham (a)

Tottenham

Newcastle (h)

Arsenal (a)

Man Utd (h)

Chelsea

Everton (a)

Bolton (h)

Albion (a)

Newcastle

Tottenham (a)

Wolves (h)

Sunderland (h)

Arsenal

Sunderland (a)

Tottenham (h)

Liverpool (a)

Liverpool

Man Utd (a)

No game – Carling Cup final

Arsenal (h)

City and Chelsea seem to have it easy, while the rest of us are mostly playing each other in the coming weeks.

I can’t see any real reason to suspect City won’t collect a maximum 9 points, taking their tally to 66. My bet would be United to collect wins against Liverpool and Norwich, but be held at the Lane. 7 points takes them to 62. We have to be looking to beat Newcastle on Saturday teatime, and I’d take a point in each of the next two games. I know we should be looking to win every game, especially at home, but realistically think that 5 points from the next 9 will be as many as we get.

Sadly, I think Chelsea will take a full house against weak opposition (we can but hope Pienaar puts in a MotM performance to beat them though?). They will improve their GD and move to 52 points from 27 matches. Newcastle will lose at our place, but sweep Wolves aside, before taking a point from the derby game v Sunderland. Only 4 points will see them lose ground, sat on 46. RVP will be enough to beat Sunderland however, prior to hosting us to a no doubt nerve-wracking draw. I think they’ll suffer at Anfield against a decent (ish) looking Liverpool. Their 4 point haul will drag them up to 44 points.

Liverpool only play two league games over this period, and I have already predicted 3 points from these games above.

So, with an if as big as Arsenal’s dependency on their little Dutchman, here is how the league will look ahead of the Everton game on March 10th

Man City P27 Pts 66

Man Utd P27 Pts 62

Spurs P27 Pts 55

Chelsea P27 Pts 52

Newcastle P27 Pts 46

Arsenal P27 Pts 44

Liverpool P26 Pts 42

No changes to position, but a drift further away from the Manc clubs, and an erosion of our lead of Chelsea.

As I said, 3 is a magic number, as that is the position I think we’ll hold in 3 matches’ time, and 3 is the lead I think we’ll have before the Goodison kick off. A couple of weeks later and we’re off to Stamford Bridge where the battle for third may be won or lost.

Where does everyone else think we’ll be after these three matches? Let me know on here, or on Twitter (@ChunkyTHFC)

Chunky

An embarrassment of riches?

..or too much clutter?

We’re only three days (hopefully) away from the start of the season, and three weeks from the close of the much maligned transfer window. 

Spurs are getting linked with an increasingly random collection of potential targets, and more and more inventive combinations of player swap deals to land various targets (Bassong + Keane = Samba) or to allow Modric to leave the Lane and join Sky Sports. Sorry, I mean Chelsea of course.

We are all acutely aware of the need for a striker, but we still have to make space for this goalscoring saviour, whoever he may be (from last few days, Llorente, Hulk, Sturridge, Huntelaar).

Let’s have a look at the collection of ‘senior’ players listed at the club.  We’ll ignore the fact that Jonathan Woodgate is still listed as a player on the Spurs iPhone app (a fact that will amuse @WindyCOYS) but that really needs sorting (@SpursOfficial if you could please) we have too many players still plying their trade at the club (and picking up their payslips) than we have room for in the 25-man Premier League squad.

Number	Squad #	Player	U21	Loan
1	1	Gomes
2	2	Hutton
3	3	Bale
4	4	Kaboul
5	5	Bentley
6	6	Huddlestone
7	7	Lennon
8	8	Jenas
9	9	Pavlyuchenko
10	10	Keane
11	11	Van der Vaart
12	12	Palacios
13	13	Gallas
14	14	Modric
15	15	Crouch
	16	Naughton		a
16	17	Dos Santos
17	18	Defoe
18	19	Bassong
19	20	Dawson
20	21	Kranjcar
21	22	Corluka
22	23	Cudicini
23	24	Friedel
	25	Rose	a
24	26	King
25	27	Alnwick
	28	Walker	a
26	29	Livermore
27	30	Sandro
28	32	Assou-Ekotto
	36	Khumalo		a
29	40	Pienaar

Excluding those players out on loan, or under 21, we have 29 seniors. So four can’t be named, and to bring in anyone else over 21 we need to get down to 24, so we need to shed five.

Let’s assume Alnwick isn’t going to get named in the squad, as no team will list four keepers. So that’s one down, four to go.

Dos Santos is all but a swift scribble on a contract away, so we’ll rule him out as well. Two down, three to go.

So, who are the favourites to empty their lockers and move clubs, either on permanent or loan deals?

Personally, I think Palacios, Bassong, Crouch, Keane, Hutton and Bentley will all leave, which would give us three gaps.  These surely would be filled by a central midfielder (Parker/Diarra/Barton) and a pair of strikers.  Who these will be is anyone’s guess, and one we’ll sadly have to wait until August 31^st to find out, I fear.

Follow me on Twitter @ChunkyTHFC

So tired, tired of waiting...

Tired of waiting for yooouuuu.........
 
Come on new signings, where are you?   I feel like we're playing a strange game of hide and seek with you.  
 
Only problem is we've started counting in May, and haven't stopped yet.  Levy and Redknapp must have run out of fingers and toes to count on.  Meanwhile, all the other clubs looking to strengthen have found you hiding under the stairs, in the laundry basket or even some of you firmly in the shop window.  
 
I know, I know.... I sound impatient.   Which, oddly enough is because I am.
 
We all sat back in May, not bothered by lack of movement – why would there be any – it's too early.  
 
As June came along, we were all hopeful of some new faces, and on June 3rd we got one.  An older one than most of us wanted to see, but in Brad Friedel we had our first signing of the summer.   Further into the month, with no more additions some were making their desperate please for moves.  Arguments on forums and on Twitter sprung up.  “Don't worry” said some, “The bloody window isn't open until July anyway – it'll happen”  “Have faith”, “believe in Harry and Daniel” etc etc
 
By the end of June and the opening proper of the window we'd finally seen a couple of departures.  Jamie O'Hara had converted his loan into a permanent deal at Wolves. A few days earlier our Carling Cup here Jonathan Woodgate had been released.  Shame, but understandable.
 
Steven Caulker joined prem new boys Swansea on loan (good to see our guys going on loan to play top flight football).   Still nothing on our incoming radar.   Plenty of internet rumourmongering, mostly total fabrication.   But not to worry, because nothing is likely to happen while the lads are in South Africa on tour.    Just you wait until they get back.  Then the transfer merry-go-round will explode into action.  You just wait and see.
 
There was a little flash of excitement part way through the month with a couple of talented youngsters joining our ranks.  Souleymane Coulibaly and Cristian Ceballos seem like they're decent prospects for the future, but we've heard that before haven't we? (Gio – I'm looking your way)
 
A couple more loan departures – Kyle Naughton out for Prem action with Norwich, and Bongani Khumalo (why did we buy him) to Reading. It was either Reading or Rangers apparently – which further backs up my argument about how shit Scottish football is.
 
So, here we are just over a week short of the season opener against Everton (do they want Pienaar back I wonder) and whilst most other clubs around us have strengthened we haven't done anything to improve our starting XI (I still think Gomes will start the season as first choice).
 
We've been linked with many, many players but bought none.  Targets have gone elsewhere, and we've had our heads sent into so much of a spin we're even discussing the idea of Joey Barton in a Spurs shirt.
 
A striker is an obvious must-have, yet we're chasing Christopher Samba.  He scored a couple against us not so long back, so we'll probably play him up front.
 
Seems like Levy is set on his lastminute.com deals on August 31st, so we'll have to sit tight and hope something happens.   Sadly, by then we'll have already played two of our top 6 opponents with a squad probably short of a couple of players.
 
Oh well,  I'm off to play hide and seek with Jenas, who has gone missing again.
 
Chunky

Dimitar Berbatov – Marmite in a football kit

There’s been lots of talk about the ‘vulgar Bulgar’ being shut out at Old Trafford.

This has naturally been followed by plenty of infant school level sporting journalistic maths.

‘Former Spurs striker leaving club’ + ‘Spurs need a striker’ = ‘Berbatov back to Spurs’

Talk of this seems to have caused divisions within the Spurs fan base wider than gap in class between Barcelona and the rest of the world at the moment.

Plenty of fans are calling for the return of the last Spurs striker to score 20 plus goals in consecutive seasons since Mark Falco in the mid-eighties.

Even more are expressing their disgust at the idea of Dimi donning the famous shirt once more.  Most cite the manner of his departure, feeling his poor attitude once his head was turned forced Spurs into a sale they didn’t want to make.  His lacklustre display as a sub against Middlesborough, showing a complete lack of interest in playing for the club left us a paltry £20 million profit with no time to splash the cash.  On a positive we were given Fraizer Campbell to get frustrated with for a season as he managed to look every bit the part a Championship player out of his depth.

Why would United want rid of him anyway?  Hasn’t he just finished as Premier League top scorer?   Yes, just checked.  He has. 20 goals, level with Tevez.  21 goals from 32 starts in all competitions. His only failing really is drawing a blank in six Champions league ties.

It appears he is dropping out in favour of Javier Hernandez, who has made a great impact this season.  20 goals from 27 starts (albeit plus 18 further appearances off the bench) is a great return in a debut season.

The one-man charm offensive that is Wayne Rooney weighed in with 16 in 36 starts (plus 4 from bench).  The oafish lad appears untouchable at club and country level, and will get selected regardless of form. 

So, Berbatov, Rooney and Hernandez – three strikers with goals and a long season ahead.  Plenty of room for three front line strikers you would think?  So what makes everyone think Berba is heading for the exit door?   

Michael Owen (you remember him – scored that goal v Argentina in the World Cup in 1998) has been handed another contract by United.

Sir Alex has surely only approved that if he sees Owen as having recovered to fitness and form enough to be laying claims to a decent number of starts next season.  He has to be on a decent wage, and whilst not setting anything alight last season, plans have to be afoot to see more of him next season.

This leaves our little jar of yeast extract out in the cold somewhat.  Rooney will get picked week in week out even if he doesn’t score ever again, and Chiquarito is proving to be one of the best buys of recent seasons.

So, for the sort of numbers being touted - £7.5m to £10m mentioned so far – would we be interested in a return of our former favourite? 

For me, it’s a definite yes.  His goalscoring ability and experience outstrip anything we have got, and at the transfer fees suggested we’d struggle to get better value for money.

23 goals a season twice running is not to be sniffed at.  Yes, his attitude wasn’t good enough once it looked likely a move was on the cards, but haven’t we all gone off the boil once we’ve handed our notice in at work?

You never know, he might even re-ignite Keano’s career.  So for £10m we could get two 30 year old strikers that know each other well, and work together very well.  Keane/Berbatov – spurs best strike partnership since Sheringham/Klinsmann? 

I for one would welcome him back with open arms, and be first in the queue getting  ‘Berbatov  9’ put on next season’s home shirt.

I'll have a bit more of this please

So, love him or hate him there will probably be talk about Dimitar until the end of August.   It’s going to be a long transfer window

COYS

Chunky

P.S.

I’m going to save this blog in a safe place so I can get it back out again in about three years time when there’s talk of Luka Modric leaving Man U, and we’re linked another resigning.   It’ll only need a couple of changes.

1992-1993 all over again

On Wednesday evening we do battle with the old enemy yet again.

This time we are looking to achieve that treasured rarity: a league double against Arsenal.

In recent years a single league win has been hard enough to come by.  Just over a year ago, we entered the final push for our Champions League place, and in doing so beat Arsenal 2-1 at The Lane.  That win was our first since a victory by the same scoreline in 1999.

That was over 10 years waiting.   10 long, long years.  Since last spring’s glorious victory we’ve proven ourselves even cheekier, having to audacity to go to their patch and beat them. 

The last time we did that was the last time we completed a league double over them.  

The season – 1992/93

Back then it was Highbury not the Emirates.  We’d beaten them 1-0 at home a couple of weeks before Christmas, a Paul Allen first half goal doing the damage.  The return match, played out in front of under 27,000 people saw us take a 3-1 win on the last day of the season.  The victory ensured we finished above Arsenal that season (a heady 8^th to their 10^th)

We took a 2 goal lead through Teddy Sheringham and John Hendry (you remember him, yes you do), before Paul Dickov pulled one back for the home side.  Hendry fired our third to seal it late in the second half (you do remember him now, don’t you?  John.  Hendry.  Scored a couple against Arsenal.  Scottish geezer.  That’s the fella)

Line-ups that day:

Arsenal – Miller, Lyderson (McGowan), Keown, Marshall, O’Leary, Bould, Flatts (Carter), Selley, Smith, Dickov, Heaney.

Tottenham – Walker, McDonald, Van den Hauwe, Hill, Mabbutt, Ruddock, Sedgley, Hendry (Hodges), Anderton, Sheringham, Allen

So, Wednesday, we’re looking for three in a row.  Can we do it?  Of course we can.

This can be a catalyst to kick start this season push for 4^th and the glory of the Champions League (I still have that music in my ears).  A second league win this season against Arsenal would give a dramatic confidence boost to our boys, who will hopefully despatch the remaining visitors to the Lane with ease (West Brom, Blackpool, Birmingham)  and take 5 or 6 points from our travels (Chelsea, Man City, Liverpool).

We got further than Arsenal in the Champions League this season; let’s make sure we get there again so we can go further than them next season.

COYS

Chunky

24 hours later, 1 week to go

24 hours later and all is calm.... ish.

It would seem our debut Champions League season has run it’s course.  One more ‘Glory, Glory’ night at the lane, playing for pride if nothing else and then that’s it.  All over.   Goodnight Vienna.  Or maybe Rapid Vienna in next seasons Europa league, which looking at our league form is all we can really hope for.

So, we were beaten in the end by Jose Mourinho’s Real Madrid.  We swept to the top of our group in cavalier fashion.  We showed maturity and control to despatch AC Milan in the San Siro, and close them out at the Lane.

We were meant to do the same to Real weren’t we?  Go for a kick about in their back yard, nick a cheeky goal on the break and then teach them what us Spurs boys are all about back at home. 

Oh well, the best laid plans……

4 mins in and Emmanuel Adebayor of all people is sticking a header past Gomes and through the legs of the shortest man on the pitch Luka Modric.  Never mind, early blow, but we’ve had enough of those in the CL this season.

8 mins and Crouchinho is getting flashed a yellow for going horizontal on Sergio Ramos.  Strange challenge, that high up the pitch.

15 mins and he’s at it again.  This time on Marcelo.  Second yellow and he’s off.  Out of character yes, but still doesn’t stop it being totally foolish and ultimately costing us a decent shout at getting through to the semi-final.

After that it’s a little academical.  We held out bravely til half time, Bale and VdV even managing to forge a few chances.

The late switch of Jenas for a sick Lennon left the midfield unbalanced.  Jenas was never going to hug the touchline like Azza would have done and push Marcelo back.  Consequently a slightly sluggish looking Corluka was constantly being attached by Ronaldo and Marcelo.  

This and the lack of an ‘out ball’ to relieve the pressure (I’m looking at you here Pete) left it inevitable we’d crack and ship more goals. 

By 90 minutes we’ve lost 4-0.  Maybe flattering on Real. Maybe not.  Who knows what would have happened if we’d had 11 men for more than 15 minutes.   I’d like to think we’d have come away 2-1 or 3-1, giving ourselves a good chance of turning it round at home next Wednesday. 

And so to next Wednesday.  Surely the pressure is off.  We were never meant to get through the group stages anyway.  We’ve got as much chance of winning as I have of getting into the next England squad (for info I’m 31, and not called Chunky ironically). 

So let’s get out there and play freely.  Let’s see what happens.  Whatever happens, two things are certain. 

1) We must get behind whatever XI is put out to do the job, even if we do end up playing Sandro at right back because we have nobody else.  We must make the Lane a uncomfortable place for Real to come and play.  Who knows?  Early goal, quick red card in their direction and suddenly the heat is on Madrid.  36,000 Spurs faithful cheering the ball past Casillas a couple more times and you never know.  Make it another great European night at the lane.

2) Crouchy won’t be able to cock it all up for us again.  But it’s ok, we have Pavlyuchenko for that. 

COYS

Chunky